Flirting with Thankfulness

I don’t need Thanksgiving to have a heightened reminder to be thankful to be in business and to have supportive loved ones.

From the beginning, I knew starting a business would be hard. I work more but also value having more control of time and energy. It’s rare to see people be “successful” in short periods that doesn’t involve a curated feed and background exhaustion. Early on, a former manager and mentor told me that there’s no point in trying to enter the market because “we already have all the commercial deals and distribution.” But, opportunity starts with one open door. Looking on my assignment spreadsheet and NW’s image wire, one opportunity has become over 100 assigned to cover professional sports, political events and more.

The former mentor’s initial critique wasn’t far off. In some cases I’m a nobody working for an unknown company that isn’t deemed as useful when other larger, established places exist. These claims aren’t meant to spiral my anxiety or put down my business’ quality, but rather being frank about how startups — particularly in journalism or mass media — are often perceived or treated when applying for access or opportunities. My business might make a profit this year and I can occasionally pay myself or help cover household expenses. So far, some commercial work in Q2 and Q3 subsidized the costs of the editorial coverage that y’all see. Cold emails and rejections litter my email inbox. The warmer emails and acceptances fuel my delusion enough to believe that there are people and media who are interested in the work NW produces. Profitability and success come with making enough forward progress to counteract the negative, even when the negative looks like a mountain or cavern.

If I can be a bit more vulnerable, two of the areas I still struggle with are relearning how to trust people and to feel happy about myself again. These are two huge aspects of forming any and every type of relationship. I left a well-regarded company because of internal discrimination, bullying and coverups. Speaking out got me blackballed from different access and opportunities; I lost a lot of “friends” and confidence from intimidation tactics. There’s not much I can do legally because representation is expensive. It’s easy to become more guarded when wanting to lead with kindness or joy is seen as weakness or a threat. It's easier when made to feel alone.

No, the entire world isn’t out to get me. Yes, I have to work through those triggers and memory flare-ups. Yes, these are depressing reminders that life won't always be fair or kind. These are hard pills to swallow that constantly feel lodged in my throat. I try to remind myself that people who reach out might want to talk to me, the person, and not the work connection. I remind myself to treat others with that courtesy to avoid perpetuating negative cycles that I experienced. I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel anxious seeing or reaching out to longtime colleagues from fear of an unknown rumor or assumption. Especially in a small town, bad gas travels fast and you rarely get to control it. Breathing is hard when the stench is unavoidable; leaving a familiar place often seems impossible. That’s enough to harden or break the soul.

Despite these fears, I must be honest that I’m still quite fortunate! Life could be far more difficult. I have an awesome core of loved ones and a beautiful family who genuinely care. I would’ve sold everything and quit if ages ago if not for them. For each step back, I’ve been propelled forward in ways or to places I didn’t imagine. There are many times where I don’t get my way or have to name a feeling in order radically accept negative situations so rejection stings less. My mind and body still function with the glass full, and that’s a great sign. I have to wisely use these ideas and more, or die while alive. From all I’ve lived through and seen so far, it’s nice to still be amongst the living.